Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
You Might Also Like
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
road rage
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED