3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
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I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R