One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
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According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Ion see the issue
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe