nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides