Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
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[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
nobody’s gonna understand
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.