Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
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If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.