I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
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ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.