*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
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Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?