All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
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And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.