Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
You Might Also Like
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Me, in DM rooms…
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
unbelievably distressed by this ad
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?