8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
You Might Also Like
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I want what they have