I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
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*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
This makes total sense…
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
What do you hear?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine