King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
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me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry