[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
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Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
crochet youtube is brutal
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.