If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
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This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
shit just got real
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.