I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
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*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
💁🏻♂️
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Cardio Made Easy
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.