Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Breaking news:
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT