The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Oh we’ve met.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Bruh PLEASE
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.