Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
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Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from