[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
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Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Kermit goes Blue.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I’m listening
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise