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FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
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