soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
You Might Also Like
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.