mom gave me mine for free
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When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.