My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
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Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east