I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
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Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is