How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
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My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
doing some research
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?