I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
OKAY DAD
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’