I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
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I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
This sounds bad:
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.