I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
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My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face