I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
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[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what