when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
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Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”