Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
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THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Who.
Did.
This?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
LOL!