Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
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A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I’m an avid indoorsman.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.