If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
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These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
me when i see my girls butt
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Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[eats all your cotton candy]
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles