I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Cinematography is my passion
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.