If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
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Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.