oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
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My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
⚠️ Important Reminder:
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.