“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
the last thing a carrot sees
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.