Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
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The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Sheep
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
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