I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf