After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
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BaD BoY!!
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi