Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
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*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.