If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
You Might Also Like
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up