Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
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sir, my pâté if you please
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Super Hand Dog Face
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My daily affirmation
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no