Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
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I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
They’re called werewolves.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV