When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
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Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
no!! no!!!!!!
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?