What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
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I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.