My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
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“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
no one likes gloating
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.