I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
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My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.