I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Monday
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system